Visions...

I know, I know.  The title sounds a bit spiritual/faith finding like.  Not a real popular subject in today's world, but trust me when I say that doesn't even scrape the top.

The topic is something that has always been on my mind, and I would be lying to myself and all of you when I say, "yeah, you know, I should have paid a lot more attention to that."  I didn't expect to be referencing my life as a spouse of someone in the military (still refusing to say Army Wife) quite as soon in this blog, but push came to shove.

I was doing my non-social/social thing on Twitter last night while trying to watch my television programs and another gem caught my eye.  It was from a member of OWNViewers (OWN is the Oprah Winfrey network and yes, I had to google that as well).  The quote was: "If you don't have a vision for yourself, what's the vision you're bringing into the marriage".  Stopped me in my tracks.  It was a feeling I have had for the past two and a half years but could never figure out how to form the question amongst all my other day-to-day thoughts. Therein lies why this blog will focus on my life; being married to someone in the military (still refusing to say Army wife).

I don't have a vision.  I thought I did.  Turns out, my visions seem to be nothing more than wishful thinking.  So, if I don't have a vision, then how am I able to bring "my" vision into my marriage.  I guess I'm not.  Truth be told, I've had many visions for myself.  Being a corporate something or other while living in a non pretentious home.  Continuing my independent lifestyle and being able to stand up for myself; but, able to maintain a healthy level of self-humility.  Guess what.  Real life happened and a lot of those visions had to be put on hold so I could climb out of the hole I had dug for myself.

I often think I have much more control over my life and my marriage, than the reality of it.  I didn't have the unrealistic expectations of a knight in shining armor who rides in on a white horse.  Not by any means.  Nor did my visions include marrying someone with a career that constantly gets my emotions out of whack, and keeps my life a giant wreck.  But it happened and that's what I'm living now.

I've been trying to "find myself" for what seems like an infinite amount of time.  It's an ongoing struggle, and one that seems like there is no end in sight.  I've prided myself on being independent and a free spirit.  I am struggling to be either one of those now.  I know it's possible to change your vision as you learn and grow throughout life, I just didn't know that due to life circumstances, i.e. marriage, you would be forced to do it so quickly and so violently.  So my "marriage" to the Army (even they call it that), has forced me to change my vision several times in the 2 years I've been married.

Right now I don't have a vision; because I can't control many of aspects of my life.  I'm hoping that I can create a new one soon, but I can't plan on it.  How does my lack of vision affect my marriage, you ask?  Honestly, I think it harms more than helps.

Stemming from the fact that my husband is 8 years younger than me and also of a different faith; he's Mormon and I'm non-denominational, we've really struggled.  I expect him to have the same visions I did at his age.  Which means I have very high expectations of what I think HE should be doing.  Therein lies the difference and, I'll go ahead and say it, the power struggle.  Simply put, I'm projecting my visions of what I want, but can't currently obtain, towards our marriage. I'm probably making this explanation a lot more complicated then it truly is.  Basically the things I envision for myself; independence and a free spirit, I want our marriage to have.  I'm finding out that it doesn't work that way, nor will it ever most likely.  I should work on having a vision for myself and then work on the vision I have for our marriage, but I can't.  I know it's possible and one of my goals, but in all honesty, how can I, when I live a life that will constantly be changing?  My ideal life has to fit in with his career, and sometimes the pieces just don't fit well.  I can't be a free spirit, because every action is under constant scrutiny of the Army.  If he ever changes his job within the army, then that will require brand new expectations of me.  It's hard for me to create the career vision I would enjoy because of the constant moving of military life.  I can't be independent and just live my life happily, because I'm teaching my husband what I was taught, since his "real life" education never happened with his parents.  I'm not a good teacher; but apparently it's not acceptable or supportive to let him suffer the consequences and find his own way out of his problems.  So of course, I smile and say I would be delighted to put my needs last again.  Because..isn't that what I'm expected to do?

Ozzy Ozbourne and Lita Ford sung a duet back in the 80's called "Close My Eyes Forever".  One of the lines of the song says:

"Sometimes, it's hard to hold on
 So hard to hold on to my dreams
 It isn't always what it seems
When you're face to face with me"

Couldn't have said it better, Ozzy and Lita.

The start or an introduction of sorts??

I have been told multiple times that I should start a blog.  The comments get more and more forceful till they finally peak out, and I break down.  So, here I am.  

I argued with myself internally for many, many months about writing and posting online, because if I talk about something illegal, couldn't that be considered pre-meditation?  I guess the "I don't care", beat the knowledgeable and sensible side of me.

I used the famous Google and researched about what service to use and even took a "quiz" of sorts, to see if I was suited for this type of adventure.  Here is the conclusion.

Darren Rowse published a blog of sorts in 2006 with questions to determine if writing a blog is for you.  As I read over the questions and formulated my own answers, I also gained insight on how to write my first blog entry.  I am so grateful for this tiny gem out of nowhere, because I wasn't sure where to start...or when my musings should end.  These are some of the questions he asked and my answers.

1.  Do you enjoy writing?

I love to write.  Always have and probably always will.  Granted, the writing styles and forms have changed since I was writing books for the Young Author's programs in elementary school, but I do have a grasp of English language and grammar.  Writing seems like such a lost art form with the advance of technology; almost like having an actual phone conversation where you speak to the person, not just text them.  I'm a firm believer in throwing a slew of curse words at a person during a fight and then sending a long text/email explaining why I said every single curse word.  I believe in writing handwritten letters and I wish I was still the age where I could write notes to friends and pass them along.  Life was so simple then; lines didn't seem blur as far as the context of the note and people were much easier to figure out.  I still believe in using good grammar in emails and texts and it drives me insane when I communicate with those who don't.  Currently, I would much rather write the truth and leave the fiction up to the professionals.

2.  What's your Message?

I don't have one.  Yes, you saw that correctly.  I do not have a message.  I don't want to write about how to save money using coupons or how being the spouse of someone in the military has thrown my life into constant turmoil.  Why, you may ask?  Because this is about me.  For me, by me.  I imagine that I may reference both of the things above soon enough, but I don't want it to be my message.  So, if you are looking for a message even relating to something like that, this blog is probably not for you.

3.  Do you enjoy reading?

Simple answer here.  Yes.  Because if I did not throw myself into books and television, I would probably be doing very, very bad things.

4.  Do I enjoy virtual relationships?

Heaven forbid they can't be any worse than actual, face-to-face ones.  Plain and simple.

5.  Are you willing to be in a public spotlight? (He states blogging is a public activity and I thought it was kind of obvious)

No, no.  I don't really deal with me being public anywhere, yet here I sit.  I had the Myspace page when that was the fad, moved on to Facebook and just deactivated it, have a Twitter account which I love and now a blog.  Random note, may be reactivating my FB to keep up with my child's activities; or at least that's what I keep telling myself.  I'm not doing this to become a celebrity or make millions.  Although, if the offers happened to fall in my lap, I couldn't see myself turning them down.  I hate having a public life period and often thought about joining a commune in the middle of nowhere.  I hope you don't think I'm joking.

6. Are you a social person?

No, not in the least bit.  I hate going to the grocery store for the fear I may have to run from someone I know.  And yes, I have done that very thing just recently.  Maybe I should rephrase myself.  I don't like being put in social situations with awkward people.  Which leaves out pretty much every aspect of day to day life.  Common courtesy and manners go a long, long way and leave very lasting impressions.  I'm not sure what people are being taught these days, but it's certainly not that.  Stick me in a room with people who can talk about the latest news; and no, I don't mean Facebook news, and I'm golden.  I would rather talk about the weather and show my true age, then try to decipher the "hidden" meanings behind a 20something's social networking site.

Those are just a few of the questions he asked on his blog and some of the more relevant ones I thought I should answer fully.  If you want the tiny details, that are part of a much larger package, then here they are:  I have a 6 year old child; I'm married to someone in the Army, but don't call me an "Army wife"; I'm unemployed yet have 2 degrees, that's probably a little more common than I beat myself up about; I'm not domestic so my husband does suffer a tiny bit when he as to wash his own clothes or cook for himself, I just call it survival of the fittest and he should learn; I'm OCD (self-diagnosed) and ADD (physician diagnosed); My tolerance level is shot, and I'm far less patient then what everyone thinks I should be; but, all those random things put together make a pretty good person somehow.  I live in the here and now, not the then and should be.  That, my friends, is called reality.  And this is mine.