Visions...

I know, I know.  The title sounds a bit spiritual/faith finding like.  Not a real popular subject in today's world, but trust me when I say that doesn't even scrape the top.

The topic is something that has always been on my mind, and I would be lying to myself and all of you when I say, "yeah, you know, I should have paid a lot more attention to that."  I didn't expect to be referencing my life as a spouse of someone in the military (still refusing to say Army Wife) quite as soon in this blog, but push came to shove.

I was doing my non-social/social thing on Twitter last night while trying to watch my television programs and another gem caught my eye.  It was from a member of OWNViewers (OWN is the Oprah Winfrey network and yes, I had to google that as well).  The quote was: "If you don't have a vision for yourself, what's the vision you're bringing into the marriage".  Stopped me in my tracks.  It was a feeling I have had for the past two and a half years but could never figure out how to form the question amongst all my other day-to-day thoughts. Therein lies why this blog will focus on my life; being married to someone in the military (still refusing to say Army wife).

I don't have a vision.  I thought I did.  Turns out, my visions seem to be nothing more than wishful thinking.  So, if I don't have a vision, then how am I able to bring "my" vision into my marriage.  I guess I'm not.  Truth be told, I've had many visions for myself.  Being a corporate something or other while living in a non pretentious home.  Continuing my independent lifestyle and being able to stand up for myself; but, able to maintain a healthy level of self-humility.  Guess what.  Real life happened and a lot of those visions had to be put on hold so I could climb out of the hole I had dug for myself.

I often think I have much more control over my life and my marriage, than the reality of it.  I didn't have the unrealistic expectations of a knight in shining armor who rides in on a white horse.  Not by any means.  Nor did my visions include marrying someone with a career that constantly gets my emotions out of whack, and keeps my life a giant wreck.  But it happened and that's what I'm living now.

I've been trying to "find myself" for what seems like an infinite amount of time.  It's an ongoing struggle, and one that seems like there is no end in sight.  I've prided myself on being independent and a free spirit.  I am struggling to be either one of those now.  I know it's possible to change your vision as you learn and grow throughout life, I just didn't know that due to life circumstances, i.e. marriage, you would be forced to do it so quickly and so violently.  So my "marriage" to the Army (even they call it that), has forced me to change my vision several times in the 2 years I've been married.

Right now I don't have a vision; because I can't control many of aspects of my life.  I'm hoping that I can create a new one soon, but I can't plan on it.  How does my lack of vision affect my marriage, you ask?  Honestly, I think it harms more than helps.

Stemming from the fact that my husband is 8 years younger than me and also of a different faith; he's Mormon and I'm non-denominational, we've really struggled.  I expect him to have the same visions I did at his age.  Which means I have very high expectations of what I think HE should be doing.  Therein lies the difference and, I'll go ahead and say it, the power struggle.  Simply put, I'm projecting my visions of what I want, but can't currently obtain, towards our marriage. I'm probably making this explanation a lot more complicated then it truly is.  Basically the things I envision for myself; independence and a free spirit, I want our marriage to have.  I'm finding out that it doesn't work that way, nor will it ever most likely.  I should work on having a vision for myself and then work on the vision I have for our marriage, but I can't.  I know it's possible and one of my goals, but in all honesty, how can I, when I live a life that will constantly be changing?  My ideal life has to fit in with his career, and sometimes the pieces just don't fit well.  I can't be a free spirit, because every action is under constant scrutiny of the Army.  If he ever changes his job within the army, then that will require brand new expectations of me.  It's hard for me to create the career vision I would enjoy because of the constant moving of military life.  I can't be independent and just live my life happily, because I'm teaching my husband what I was taught, since his "real life" education never happened with his parents.  I'm not a good teacher; but apparently it's not acceptable or supportive to let him suffer the consequences and find his own way out of his problems.  So of course, I smile and say I would be delighted to put my needs last again.  Because..isn't that what I'm expected to do?

Ozzy Ozbourne and Lita Ford sung a duet back in the 80's called "Close My Eyes Forever".  One of the lines of the song says:

"Sometimes, it's hard to hold on
 So hard to hold on to my dreams
 It isn't always what it seems
When you're face to face with me"

Couldn't have said it better, Ozzy and Lita.